Yes, I'm So Very Happy!

Today, while having "small talk" with my daughter, she brought a whole new light into the way I see things. This is my memorable conversation of the day:

Me: Jules, are you happy?

Juliana: Yeah. Mommy, are you happy?

Me: Yes I am.

Juliana: Because you have me?

Me: (after a long pause and with tears in my eyes) Yes Sweetie, because I have you.

I gave my baby girl a huge hug and felt the happiest I've felt in a long time. She brought healing into my soul, in ways she will never know and in ways I wouldn't even be able to put into words. You're right, Juliana, you and your brother make me the happiest person I can possibly be. Thank you for bringing such a simple fact to my attention. The fact that I have you, that fact alone, is enough to make me smile each and every day. You are my sunshine, my world. I have you. Oh my God, after so many years of longing for your existence, I do, I really do, I so do have you. I have many reasons to be happy but this and this alone is enough to make me the happiest person alive. You bring laughter, love, smiles, hugs, kisses, squeezes, a never ending joy and so much more into my life and I love you more than words can say. I don't need reassurances about this but if ever in doubt, all I have to do is look into your eyes and I'll get confirmation once again that I'm happy. I am so very happy!

My New World as a Full Time Mom

Today is Friday, June 4, 2010. I have been contemplating the possibility of starting a blog for months now but never got around to it. So today I decided to just start typing and here I am. I guess you can say I'm the "new kid on the blog". :) My name is Sue and I’m 37 years old. I’m happily married to Rob, the love of my life, for 13 years. I'm a stay-at-home Mom to our twins, Joshua and Juliana, who will be 33 months next week. Where the heck has time gone? I look at them and I can't believe they have grown so much. I'm trying to enjoy every moment but that's very hard to do while trying to potty train both of them at the same time! Let's just say I'm going out of my mind, in a "not so crazy" kind of way. I am going down on my knees so many times during the day to help them go potty and wipe them, etc., that I should just walk around with knee pads and gloves all day long. Tonight, after giving them a bath and doing our night routine, putting them to bed and all, I came downstairs feeling an excruciating pain in my back. I thought "hmmm I wonder where this is from". DUH! Hellllooooooooo! You're basically crawling around all day and you haven't had any time for yourself in months, what the hell do you expect?!?!? There was my answer, loud and clear. But you know what? I wouldn't trade my life now for anything in the world, nothing. Seriously. Take me back to about 8 months ago when I was still working in the city 4 days a week and getting some "me" time, which included sleeping like a log (and probably drooling too) on the long bus ride into NYC, as well as running like my life depended on it from the bus to the subway (and cursing in my head at everyone who had the nerve to walk slowly in front of me), just so I could make it to work on time. Then after working all day, I would run through that subway tunnel (which I don't miss AT ALL, let me just add) back towards the bus just so I could make it home at a decent hour, early enough to see my babies finish their dinner and give them baths and put them to bed. My life was pretty chaotic. Let me just add the fact that I was very blessed to have my Mom watch the twins while I went to work, which gave me a peace of mind that was priceless and I didn't have to drag both of them out of the house first thing in the morning to take them to daycare. Yes I know, I was very lucky and I don't know how I would have gotten through those first 2 years without her help. However, if I could go back in time, I wouldn't trade the life that I have now for what it used to be. Yes being a full time Mom is hard, yes I feel like pulling my hair out every day, yes I'm lucky if I get to take a shower every day, yes the fact is I haven't had a meal cooked for me in ages (miss you Mom!) and yes I feel like my body was just put through a torturing device at the end of each and every day... but no, I wouldn't trade any of it. The way I look at it... I get to spend time with my 2 kids, time that will never come back, precious time. I get to see and feel extremely happy/proud at every developmental milestone, I get to hear the conversations they are now having back and forth between each other (a constant source of entertainment!), I get to kiss every booboo (and make it all better every time!), I get to hug and love and kiss and squeeze them all the time, I get to play hide & seek, catch, ball, do puzzles, and every fun kiddy game you can possibly think of several times a day, I get to roll around in bed with them first thing in the morning and tickle their bellies and watch them laugh until their faces turn red, I get to watch their faces as they go down the slide in the playground and scream "weeeeeeeeeee!!!!" and when they get to the bottom I get to hug them as they say proudly “I did it, mom, I went down the big slide!”, I get to watch them play in the pool for hours at a time, just being kids and enjoying the gorgeous sunny days we've been recently having. I get to see and enjoy every word, every moment, every little thing that happens in their lives each and every day. That, to me, has absolutely no price.

I also get to witness and “enjoy” every tantrum, cry, fight, tossing food across the kitchen, not listening, not sharing, and every possible behavior you can think of that is considered “normal” for a 2-yr old – that’s where the “pulling my hair out” part of my day comes in, but let’s not go there. I'm not saying I don't miss having sushi for lunch with my friends and having adult conversations and dealing with work-related stuff/phone calls, etc., but I would never go back to that life at this point, even if given the opportunity. That being said, I also would like to point out that I do miss my family terribly. Being a stay-at-home Mom has unfortunately a big price tag for me: I have to live out of state, away from all my immediate family, and as a result, keep my kids from seeing them as often as we all would like. I miss my parents, sister/nephews (I miss my brother and his family too but they’ve always lived out of state so I was already used to not seeing them too often). I miss them like crazy. To the point that the thought of me now being 600 miles away from them makes me want to crawl into a hole, curl up in the fetal position and sob for hours. So I try not to take myself to that “place”. I'm not saying I don't deal with my feelings because believe me, I do, I really DO deal with my feelings, sometimes a little too much. But lately I have learned to keep it "real" and keep my feelings focused on my main purpose in life right now: raising my twins. I do get to see my family from time to time and we treasure every moment when we are able to spend time together. My sister is my rock and being away from her has brought a great deal of pain into my life. However, we have managed to stay in touch and talk on the phone every day, that hasn't changed, but it’s not like being 5 minutes away and just stopping by for a cup of coffee (or just for sanity). So that’s my price and I’m paying it and my children are also paying and it’s not easy on anyone, but bottom line is I’m here with my kids, every day, all the time. It was an extremely difficult decision to make to move away but the only affordable way to do so. After 4 years of horrible infertility treatments and horrible financial/emotional/physical pain, Rob and I were blessed with not one, but two beautiful and perfect babies. I’m now able to raise my twins and that is just more fantastic than words can say. I feel like I’m serving my purpose in life. Finally being a Mom. Because, after all, they are MY WORLD!